Rough Edit

This is a proclamation of love!
Not to some man or woman
I've shared my bed with
Not to the family that's known me
For 24 long, hard years
Not even to camel cigarettes, red bulls and sex
The only three vices I've had for Heaven knows how long
So forgive me

This is a letter of love to
The girl I found in a 3rd grade classroom
(I was in 3rd grade too, so it's okay)
My guts spill the warmest love,
Even for her
Sparks fly through diamond-glazed eyes when she's near

Because she...
She would lie with trains for me
The same trains that might terrify her
Would fall victim to the heroic tenacity she wields
To protect me from harm

I share a cigarette with her
Unlike the way I share a cigarette with anyone else
The smoke we exhale is not hollow
But loaded with explosives
And when it meets
We are the still ones...
Save for the tremble our knees make
To shake off the terminal illness
Perched upon them-
Waiting to take us
As if we appreciate a guest list

I lack the fingers and toes
Necessary to count the corners
My girl has roped me out of
And I should feel guilty
Because like a small child I continue to fuck up
Knowing a clear conscience is right around the corner
Ready to lay heavy on my shoulders
Lifting me up to lightness that is "good"
But she says she doesn't mind
So I don't mind

The weight in my bones
That is the want to be better
Is drowned out by the need on my tongue
To be drunk with her

Taking over pretty bottles spilling tequila
Laced with euphoria
Lube our throats and
Lay a fire in our bellies
And stumble us out the door
We are rabid dogs foaming for the next big thing
Because we never fucking quit

Death waits behind the steering wheel
Unassuming of our strength
"With you," she says, "I am invincible."
"With you," I say, "I am invincible."
We beat him with goldenrod fists
To leave him lying on the curb in a mess of ash

Shared ownership of the world
And you better believe we take it
There is no property value
The keys are at our fingertips
Ready to unlock any door we see fit

Man, I want to be close to her
Far closer than I've been to anything before
I want to be inside of her
Not in a sexual sense
No, in a 'perched on top of her heart' sense
Feet kicking with every beat and pump
Careful not to kick too hard
Lest I cause a disruption

She makes me want to
Speak better French
Sans elle, je ne suis rien
Those ears don't deserve
My ship-wreck English
She makes me want to
Wear longer dresses
To prevent a sacrifice of strong morals
In favor of lustful desires
Regardless of my physical clothing
I am bare naked with her
Naked of all filth, shame, fear, fault and regret
Naked of all things but my
Cloak of 'content'

You see,
God once softly spoke in my ear,
"Now you have an idea of what's waiting for you up there."

She is not my church
But rather the podium
I liquor lean against
Without the podium
I trip over my own little toes
Crushing teeth
Bursting eyeballs
Splitting lips
And falling apart

She is not my church
But rather the reason I stand here preaching
Without the reason
I am lost in a cloud of doubt
Believing in nothing
Refusing to live or love or fight
Lying to the world
And falling apart

She is not my church
But rather everything held inside of it

A Brief Rush of Good

Today, I was happy. I was lazy and happy and that is all. It's been some time now, but I'm okay with it. I guess it's more rewarding this way. More massages are coming in, I got seriously motivated to write today (it comes in waves) and I'm disconnecting myself from unnecessary people. I still have an incredible talent for wanting what I can't have, but I think that'll be okay. I have a new piece coming for you soon, so I'm excited for THAT! Eyes open, people! I'm feeling good lately and you know what that means!

Acceptance

Slowly, very slowly, I accept more and more how single I actually am. I feel like I should have made more progress in the last year, but some is better than none. I have a knack for screwing things up, I suppose.
When I really think about it, I feel like I'll be in these same situations forever, without a partner. It's a tough pill to swallow but it's making its way down.


*Side Note: I completely accept that I do this to myself. I can't help how bored I get or how greedy I am - which is why I'm going to try taking a break from everyone.

Birfday Want: Redux

Although the same original list still stands (Ahem!) I am updating all my wants and needs for this birthday/Christmas season! Have at it, lovelies!

see more I would most definitely have the most fun with this cuteness.

see more Must Have Cute



see more My love for food is taking over my wardrobe.



see more Hahahaha LOVE



see more I still don't have a hair dryer/



see more I shouldn't even have to say WHY this is perfect for me.


see more Must Have Cute

This Birch Wall Tapestry would make me squee with delight!

Chandelier Shower Curtain from Urban Outfitters is what EVERY bathroom (mostly mine) needs!

The Last Month

The last month leading up to a birthday is one of my favorite times of the year. Mine especially because it goes Halloween, my birthday/Thanksgiving and then Christmas all one month apart! I've compiled a list of things I want for said birthday. I'm not big on gifts but I've recently discovered I don't have anything. I have the necessities but I don't have anything fun and awesome and distracting! I'll be updating every time I find something new and even if I only get ONE thing I actually ask for, I'll be the happiest clam.

 

This is just rad. And I don't have a lamp. It's a pain in the ass.

I like maths. I like jrewry. Perfect!

I feel like this is the only way I'll ever get to have a mustache. 

I don't have salt and pepper shakers so, obviously this is also very necessary.

Okay, this is legit. I need a bag for school.

This I do not need but are you going to deny me adorable?

rawr

Yes, I would rock this in a business setting. "I BELIEBE YOU HAB MY STAPLER!"

The next four items I REALLY want. I love art and it belongs on my walls. It does!

RIGHT?!

&

Holy crap epicute!

 &

&

How charming!

I like ice trays. So what? 

RAPTOR HOODIE!! ME WANTS 

Tauntaun Sleeping Bag - Click to See (And Purchase!)

Cushzilla Tiger P-Jammers!

Portland Eats - A Birth

I'm giving birth, so to speak, to another blog. This one was supposed to be informational and fun, but it's mostly me whining about my own lack of motivation. Well, I've done a complete 180 recently. I feel like all my ducks are in a neat little row. And I'm bored as all Hell.
I would like to take this opportunity to start what I'm calling "Portland Eats!" I wanted to do it every day, but I don't have the funds or the time. Here's the sitch! Once a week, every week for a year, I will be eating at a different restaurant (carts count too!) in Portland. I'm giving all quadrants (NE, NW, SE, SW) a fair chance here. I'm pretty excited to share this with every one and I can't wait until it really takes off.
Once I get it going, I'd like to get the word spread. Mostly because a few of the places I have in mind are simply excellent. I want the world to know about Potato Champion! And La Petite Provence! A-a-a- and Pambiche!

Anyway, if anyone (is even reading this in Portland) wants to join in, or accompany me ever, just let me know. Chances are this will be done every Saturday, as to avoid complications with school or work.
Suggestions are also very welcome, as this is also meant to be a huge learning experience for me.

I hope you'll be hearing from me soon regarding this adventure! Stay positive, everyone. <3

For Lack Of A Better Blog

Animals are floating through a sky of broken sentences, and catching eyes from acquaintances you never knew about.
They filter out our expressions with open mouths so suspicious. A spoken word could fall right in and never come back.
Our eyes fixed upon rhythmic tricks of kissing drums and guitar licks. We stand entertained but wondrous.
Fists blurring fast as a metronome could.
And lightning bolted through our ears, then took a turn to caress our fears.
We plugged up our fright, no, we couldn't hear. But our blithe was understood.
We lingered with a cloud of smoke to a room that fogged each time we choked.Then! With a drop kick to the walls, they broke down without a fight. Provoking condensation drool that shimmers like glitter in the over light above tiny nations under clouds that break and spill and laugh all night.
And we lived in a house that was pulled from a hat, in a town with a template designed in advance, where the first house on all the roads are the same as the last.
You grit your teeth to the gums, and although I am oblivious, I'll explain to you my interests in all the things I know don't really exist, in a place with no meaning, because finding it is meaningless.
Because our house doesn't match at all. And the neighborhood is catching on. They all flooded with the sound of chattering footsteps on the ground.
We united and washed away as a title wave from the city in the morning, to a city where the sun just doesn't care - to a place where reality rains all across the streets, creating scenes of imagery, by the absence of all misery. Sending messages so belittling; "It's better not to stare!"
Oh, there are cans stacked up that tower us, like walls from the inside of a paper cup. There are skies above just begging us to lay down our umbrellas. The moisture adjusts each of us in size as ice cubes frozen amongst a plastic tray of our own distrust. Well, at least we finally filled it up.
Through lines broken, patterns, engines, fingers pressing the right buttons, we hit the road under the influence of each of our desires.
So we're floating without gravity, in a sentence of transparency, as legible as radio waves whose occupation might transpire to somewhere, but not here or there.
The presence of our home was moved by means of a surreal despair, which is why we were left confused.
Releasing from the pores of thin holes nestled all throughout my skin were freckles left over from summer, roasting against the hottest, thickest wind.

A Dreamer Can Accomplish Anything

It's hard to explain these spikes of water. They aren't icicles, though. I can push them over and move them around before they revert back to the original form. All except the tip. The tip doesn't move. And although it is not solid, it is sharper and far more stinging than anything I have ever felt.I peruse a thick field of these - things, walking through, making sure not to step on the tips of any shorter ones when WHOOSH! All the air vacated the scene. Each and every watercicle melts and collapses! Water is exploding all around me. Waves crashing! Whirlpools turning! Yet not a drop feels the need to be near me. As per usual, this is all too exciting for me to take lightly. I can't breathe. I panic when the anxiety kicks in. The air has turned hot and I don't know how to stop shaking. 
It stops. Everything stops. Every single drop ceases to move in any way. As I'm still locked in the center of an angry, temporarily frozen whirlpool, I simply guide the water where it needs to be with a swift wave of the hand. I'm on my way. I can breathe again.

I had this dream a few weeks ago. I have ones similar to it more often than not, and it's really starting to wear me down. This was one of the few tamer dreams of the bunch. I'm not as anxious as I used to be and it has been quite a while since my last panic attack. But I swear, waking up after these things kills me. I find myself waking up covered in tears, no breath, an awkward inability to really move... But after a while I find them somewhat entertaining. I keep a dream log, and I will probably be posting some more - just to vent it out. I'm in the mood for Converge. Check them out. Jacob Bannon, the vocalist is an amazing artist - and by artist, I mean painter, singer, urrverything.

If love were art, our walls would be bare.

I don't even know where to begin on this one. I refuse to believe that chivalry and good old fashioned dating are dead, but no one wants to prove me wrong. What I've been noticing with couples in my age group is, they got to where they are by sleeping together and eventually moving a toothbrush and their own shampoo and conditioner in. There was no approach that led to coffee that led to a few dinners that led to (insert fun, healthy activity here) that maybe led to sex. There wasn't a man who opened the car door for a woman. He never made an awkward phone call to say she'd been on his mind and he would like to know if she wants to go out again because she's uh, been on his mind. I don't even think they held or do hold hands in public.
I can't say I'm one hundred percent positive I know what I want, because I don't. But excuse my french when I ask this; What the fuck happened to a little tradition? Where is the passion and compassion and not giving it all away so fast? I actually have a few questions:
1. Why doesn't anyone date anymore?
2. Where has chivalry gone?
3. Why are people so afraid of the opposite sex after a break-up, yet they still run the risk of any attachment by having sex with said opposite sexy person?
4. Why is monogamy basically frowned upon by the members of my generation?
I understand if you don't want "a label." But really, if you're going to sleep with me, you owe me at least a lunch. I'm not even asking for dinner because that would just be too serious! And we know breakfast is reserved for the real couples. You know, the ones with "a label." I wouldn't mind if a man asked me to go... Anywhere but the bar. If we both need a buzz to converse, we're socially retarded - and no one likes a retard.
I was broken up with in October of '09. It was... absolutely devastating. But I got over it. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to. Because I figured out that nobody likes a Debbie Downer. And the longer it takes me to get over it, the longer it's going to take me to find someone who will treat me good and be super hilarious and hopefully enjoy some of the same music and movies I enjoy. I don't understand it when someone says, "I just got out of this thing, so I'm not looking for anything serious." I'm not either, babe. But if it comes by me I won't deny it.
My relationship status is currently "stagnant". I am neither here nor there. If someone of interest wants to, I will date him and let him call me his girlfriend. If someone of interest wants to casually see each and just have fun with it with no attachment, I'm cool with that - but there are strings in my book. Ready for another list?
1. No one night stands.
2. It is not just on your terms. If I feel like gettin' fresh tonight, I should be indulged!
3. You don't have to be boyfriend and girlfriend to have a meal together - in public. So come eat bbq with me and watch a hockey game... Something!
4. Be monogamous! Be! Be! Monogamous! I know it's a lot to ask for, but I don't do multiple partners and I don't want to deal with your groupies.
5. I would actually like it if we didn't cuddle or anything. That's what a boyfriend is for. I'm a sprawlaaa!


As far as boyfriends go, if you don't know how to treat a lady, you don't need a lady. You can have one of the broads from 82nd Ave.