If Crocs were a living, breathing person...

I work for this company - some of you may have heard of it. And if you live in a trailer, or had eight babies with Jon Gosselin, you're buyin' what I'm slangin'. Good old crocs! You know, those rubber shoes with holes in them that come in every color under the sun? Yea, those. Hey man, whatever pays the bills... Anyway, I work for this company, and we have an actual store - not one of the kiosks at a damn mall. Oh, hell no. As a result of having an actual store to run, we have satellite radio pre-programmed as most stores do. I've been listening to the same songs for 14 months now. I feel like they're trying to murder me slowly.
One day I was sitting there listening to "Vogue" by Madonna thinking, "Who fucking vogues? Nobody strikes poses any more. This is not 1988. Madonna doesn't vogue!" And then... Oh, shit.. You know that song, by that chick who is totally fucking amazing but you can only handle in small doses? Well, just about every woman on the face of the planet is like that, but I'm talking about Cher. "Believe" came on next. And so on and so forth. I thought about every song that plays throughout the store every single day and I came up with only one conclusion; If Crocs were a living, breathing human, it would be a lesbian. Not a super hot lesbian, but not a total butchy, dykey lesbian either. No, there's a sweet middle ground. It's not grotesque, but you won't fantasize about it later.
I'm not going to go into great detail over this, but I'm going to give you a list of songs that I hear on the constant, and you can arrive at your own opinions. Also, keep in mind the shoes I sell. Please.
1. Madonna - Vogue
2. Cher - Believe
3. Cher - If I Could Turn Back Time
4. Melissa Etheridge - Angels Would Fall
5. Sheryl Crow - It's So Easy
6. Sheryl Crow - All I Wanna Do
7. Kelly Clarkson - Miss Independent
8. Kelly Clarkson - Because of You
9. K.D. Lang - Just Keep Me Moving
10. Taylor Dayne - I'll Be Your Shelter
11. Elton John - Tiny Dancer
12. Christina Aguilera - Stronger
13. Christina Aguilera - Beautiful
14. Daniel Powter - Bad Day
15. Seal - Kiss From A Rose


These songs don't mean you're gay, and weren't all sung by gay people, but shiiiitt... If that isn't the ultimate "I'm one happy homo!" playlist, I don't know what is. It got slightly more straight as it went down, or maybe just from lesbian to gay dude, but... I hate my job. Even more, I hate the music I have to endure.


Fuck you, assholes!


DO YOU SEE WHAT I AM SAYING?!