"New Post"

I haven't been able to write anything lately. By 'lately' I mean the past five or six months. I can count how many pages I've written by memory. Four. Four pitiful pages. I'm losing it. I can't lose it. This is all I want to do. I want to change the way people are. I want to make people look at the world and think "I can do whatever the fuck I want, and I'm going to!" I want to change the whole world. Mostly, I want to be admired and loved by all.
I need a swift kick in the ass. Complaining to a blog isn't going to do shit. Today I figured out what I want, what I need, and how to find a happy compromise. Well, actually, that's a lie. I did not figure out the compromise part.
I want to go out and be social and waste away at the bars on Hawthorne and Burnside. I want to be the social butterfly I was in school. The jokester. The "every woman."
I NEED to be in school, working two jobs, saving my money, taking french, and finishing this god-awful book I've been writing for too many years. 
I want a golden fuck-up. Someone in the scene, digging him/herself a hole and pulling me down with them. Someone I can soak myself in, make an adventure with, lust after, hate, lust after, save. I need the perfect muse - the one who will give me the perfect story.
I NEED someone focused who doesn't drink too much, who I might have a class with, who will call me or come over to make sure all my shit is in order. Someone who will encourage me to just be better. They'd say, "Calm down." or "No, no. You need to pay bills." or "You're falling - but I'm going to help you back up." "You're going to be juuust fiiine."



Where in Hell is there a happy - or even mediocre - medium there? I know it's right under my nose.
Give me what I want, not what I need, and your life will be much, much easier.